Floating Along

beta 5 creampuffs vancouver

The days are really blurring together. My mind is but a facsimile of what it once was – I reminisce about my old brain. A friend emailed me asking me if chemo brain was anything like mama brain – she is a new expectant mom – and I thought, shite, no. For me, mama brain came from the sleep deprived zombie nights, nursing Teddy at all hours and keeping him happy and non-crying. Chemo brain comes from having your brain fried up like offal cuts on poison drugs! But what a difference a cream puff can make, right?! My dear sis brought me a box of my fave Vancouver cream puffs the night before my second round of chemo. I chowed down through those creamy crispy crumbly textures and flavours. Closed my eyes and ate through the anxiety.

bc cancer agency

Oh how I miss my artful bowl cut, as seen above, during my very first chemo treatment in April… At the time I was so sad to chop my long black hair into the short little ‘do six weeks ago but now I am a solid believer in the short cut. Casual times, no muss, no fuss, no hair drying and no products! But now… NOW I am so sad that my little bowl cut is gone. Because this happened: 

chemo shaved head

My hair was starting to float down like dog-shedding snowflakes, raining hard on my bowl cut parade. Then it began pulling out in huge chunks. And I couldn’t stop pulling at it because I was so fascinated/disturbed. So the time came to shave it off like a teen lawnmower. I was trying to stay thrice removed from the head shave, just mentally floating above, peeking in… I asked Rich to crank some metal and I was trying to stay tough. I was doing ok, laughing even, mostly in shock, until we cut off my bangs – my precious bangs! I’ve had my black bangs for TWO DECADES. A friend once described them to me as my signature look so I glomped onto that idea. When they floated away to the floor in a shaved off heap the tears started pouring down my face.

unnamed-1

Looks. Playing with my newfound looks – thug fisherman meets Ian Mackaye. I walked in behind a woman and her two children going into the Ladies Washroom wearing this and I got a freaked out double take. It was so disconcerting and bizarre that I had frightened her – I had forgotten that I wasn’t a long haired lady-looking woman anymore…

chemo head scarf

This is me right before my second chemo. Chiquita Banana meets Rosie the Riveter, perfect since I am yellowy Chinese AND a feminist. The scarf is light as a feather and colourful and made me feel a little less thug life man-about-town. My red lipstick always helps.

chemo wig hat toque

THIS look – this is my wig! It looks exactly like my old hair … it’s so bizarre though, holding it up, it feels like I’ve scalped someone – wigs are creepy. And SOOOO hot. This wig, with the cotton toque on top, it feels like I’m walking around with a bonfire on my head.

ice cream lamp

I have been the recipient of so many incredible acts of kindness and love. It gives me hope in humanity and makes me count every blessing and friendship and family member. My sweet little boo holding the soft serve ice cream lamp a group of friends gave to me to cheer me up. LOVE it. So silly and fun and perfect because I am a maximum conehead.

kitchen culinaire pie

This incredible spread … including the gorgeous flowers … from my neighbor – chef and mama Julie of Kitchen Culinaire, who also happens to have an incredible Instagram and blog… Her work makes me want to be a better cook…

candy letter cake - coco cake land

Cake. It’s always on my mind, Willie Nelson style. My forever love affair. Making lists of new cake ideas, but listless in my energy and abilities… which makes me upset, anxious, depressed … I know my shitty energy and feelings of chemo-syrup-head won’t last forever. But it’s depressing to me to not have the ability to create at the moment …

cat bus cake - coco cake land

Like this happy chappy catbus cake. Sometimes I just have to go back in time and look at the work I’ve made and know that I’ll get back there soon.

fish birthday cake tutorial - coco cake land

Right now I’m just floating along. Like this silly fish cake. Glub glub. I feel like a fish face, round and puffy, maybe a fish trapped in a tank at a Chinese restaurant. Lying in bed, watching Mind Of A Chef, surfing Instagram and posting little things and interacting a bit, impulse shopping and being a general idiot. My Brillo pad hair rough against my pillow, headphones in, drifting in and out of sleep, snacking on crackers and warm water. I’ve been trying to listen to Just Kids by Patti Smith but her voice is so soothing I’m out like a light and have slept through several chapters. Hoping to get out of this fuzzy phase of chemo round 2 and come out into the sunshine, maybe turn the oven on, bake something, take a few pics… ambitious, but possible. I’m still happy though … I have so much amazingness in my life… but can’t help but feel down sometimes still… Thanks as always for the kind words – I am hoping you are all doing well! xo Lyndsay 

32 Responses to “Floating Along”

  1. Chiara

    You look AMAZING! And – how much courage you have to share everything that you’re going through. Xoxo chiara

    Reply
  2. dalia

    hi lyndsay! i love your instagram and was just reading your blog. i am sorry you are going through chemo and having to go through all those yucky things. i can relate-but you are so brave to share your story and feelings. your cakes are so beautiful-i hope you find the strength to get lost in making one soon – and you will….
    xo
    dalia

    Reply
  3. Dominique

    You are incredibly brave and beautiful xx

    Reply
  4. Alana

    YOU. ARE. AMAZING. If I could bake you a million cakes I would. You are totally owning that scarf-turban action. I vote for turbans all day every day. So chic. Thank you for sharing all that you are going through and know that you have so so much support all around the world.

    Reply
  5. AppetiteDeluxe

    You better rock that scarf and red lips! WERK!

    Reply
  6. emily

    Lyndsay, thank you for sharing the hard times. You are so human. If I lived in Vancouver, I would pick you so many flowers, so I could brighten your day, like you brighten mine. xo

    Reply
  7. Michelle @ Hummingbird High

    Oh Lyndsay! You are so tough and so brave. Also, you rock that head scarf like whoa!

    Reply
  8. Sarah // The Sugar Hit

    Rockin’ a scarf like a babe, and sharing these posts with such toughness and grace. You’re amazing. If I wasn’t in Australia I would be all up at your house, totally co-baking a cake with you, even you need to chill and just yell instructions at me. It would not be nearly as nice as a true Lyndsay cake, but it would be fun and you’re awesome, so just let me have this one, OK? ALL MY GOOD THOUGHTS AND VIBES TO YOU!

    Reply
  9. Jen

    Lyndsay, you are an inspiration and just amazing in so many ways. And your scarf and red lip combo is totally on point :)

    Reply
  10. movita beaucoup

    Your wig does not disappoint – a brilliant choice!

    Reply
  11. steph

    lynds, you are amazing. grace, courage, vulnerability and beauty.

    let’s hang when I get back. we can do nothing, bake a cake, or if you’re up to it, stuff our faces.

    you got this!

    Reply
  12. Anne @ Sugar Baby Bakes

    You look absolutely beautiful! Love the wrapped headscarf look, and had to laugh out loud at “thug fisherman meets Ian Mackaye.” Sending all my good thoughts your way. – A.

    Reply
  13. Sarah

    You are just awesome. I must admit my heart skipped a beat when I heard you lost your beautiful hair. The looks you’ve come up with are all so different but equally rad – I can’t choose a favorite! Sending so much love to you and your family.

    Reply
  14. danielle @ this picture books life

    Hang in there, Lyndsay. You’re fucking awesome.

    Reply
  15. Rich

    Thug Life 4 Evz!!

    Reply
  16. katie.

    Thanks for sharing this! You’re awesome, and totally rocking that lipstick too. Sending lots of love and good thoughts.

    Reply
  17. cynthia

    So much love for you, Lyndsay. You are everything — just so freaking incredible, gorgeous perfection. Rocking that scarf, that lipstick, that buzz. Thank you so much for letting us in on this journey — I’m wishing so badly I could do more than just type and we could snarf ice cream together. Sending you all the virtual hugs and all my love and admiration!

    Reply
  18. Holli

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!! You are a courageous woman.

    Reply
  19. Caroline

    OH. Babby holding that ice cream cone. My heart.

    Reply
  20. Laurel (@abubblylife)

    Thank you for sharing all this Lyndsay. I heart you and all your amazingness.

    Reply
  21. Tamsin @ A Certain Adventure

    Go Lyndsay! This brought a small tear to my eye – you’re such an inspirational lady. And you pull off a red lip so, so well. x

    Reply
  22. Mel

    You are rocking that red lipstick! And though you are writing about sadness and the sludge of your experience, you are keeping your humor about you and writing such funny stuff (bonfire on my head)! I look forward to seeing your cakes on Instagram once again, but until then, we are hear to be your sounding board for whatever you’re going through.

    xo

    Reply
  23. Patty Kenny

    This post rocks, and so do you.

    Reply
  24. Tricia

    Hi Lyndsay,
    Your lion cake gave me the inspiration and courage to try making my son’s birthday cake, and he loved it.He’s a Leo so it was perfect!
    A big thank you and I love reading your blog to see what posts you have put up, it perks up my day every time.

    Reply
  25. Elizabeth @ SugarHero.com

    I am in love with your Chiquita Banana look! And that ice cream cone lamp. And your sweet, sweet son. I don’t know if this is weird, but I seriously think about you a lot. Hoping you’re well, hoping you’re feeling okay, hoping you’re keeping on keeping on. Love to you, lady.

    Reply
  26. Kathleen

    Lyndsay, you are always so incredibly inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing with us – I can’t imagine how hard it is to be going through this. You are such a boss, rocking the Rosie the Riveter look! I love it! Thinking of you xo

    Reply
  27. Frenie

    Writing to you from Montreal !! Just found your blog via pinterest .Just wanted to tell you you still look beautiful and super-cute even with the shaved hair !!Be courageous everything will be fine and you’ll be back in the kitchen soon making more amazing cakes :)

    Reply
  28. Juanita

    Whatever you wear, however you feel, whatever you do – YOU ROCK! YOU ARE AMAZING! Sending you hugs and positive energy always. My best to your family too!

    Reply
  29. Linda Reed

    Today is the day I discovered your work on Facebook. I fell in love with the lamb face on your profile pic and decided to check out your work. Which of course, I love. And then I read this post. You are beautiful. With or without hair. Your days will get better. Think cake, ‘cuz I want to see more of these cheerful fish cakes, etc. Sending prayers your way. And cyber hugs too.

    Reply
  30. Mel

    Hi Lyndsay,

    So sorry to hear that you’re going through a tough time with your health! My mum also had breast cancer (mastectomy and all), but she BEAT IT, and so will you!

    It sucks that you had to shave off all your beautiful hair, but the great thing is that it’s a living thing and it WILL grow back when you’re well again :) In the meantime, you look just stunning in your wig and headscarf, and even though you wouldn’t have chosen it, why not have some fun experimenting with some new looks?

    I also think it’s great that cake decorating is still always on your mind, even though you don’t have the energy for it at the moment. It’s the things (and people) that you love that are worth fighting for, and keeping your dreams alive will keep you alive too (in more ways than one). I’m sure you’ll be back in the kitchen and whipping up some more of your AMAZING cake creations sooner than you think! I love baking and your colourful, whimsical cakes are my absolute inspiration!

    Keep going strong and get well soon! :)

    Reply
  31. Pao Espina

    You are an inspiration! :) I’m from the Philippines and I supeeeer love baking too. I love your cakes! And I’m inspired to do more cakes because of your posts. <3 Hope you're feeling well today! Hugs!

    Reply
  32. Pearey

    Hi Lyndsay,
    I’m sorry to hear that but you are a strong women. Baking and cooking are my life too. Your cake is inspiring and beautiful. From the day you post till now is a few months, i hope you will get well now. Waiting the good news!

    Reply

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