Fuck Cancer Cake

cancer cake - coco cake land

On Monday I had my final herceptin IV treatment at the cancer agency. I had been counting down from 17 and it was finally the last one. For months prior, in my head I imagined what the day might be like – happy, jubilant, free. I had wanted to throw a huge backyard party loaded with balloons, flowers and cake. I had an idea for this “Fuck Cancer Cake” post, a companion piece to my breast cancer cakes. But then, when Monday rolled around, I felt altogether different. I was sitting in the chemo chair, trying to feel brave as the nurse counted to three before poking the needle into the port bump on my chest, my bionic body part. I kept looking at my husband for reassurance of some kind. The medicine began flowing in and my mouth filled with the taste of it – the last time I would taste that?? My last IV. But there was no feeling of joy or freedom that I had imagined. Instead I found myself feeling… numb. Then just… petrified all over again. A dam broke, and the tears came pouring out. It didn’t help that the two women also receiving chemo across from me were both in for recurrences. I held onto Rich’s hand and sobbed.

I just want this all to be over. I don’t ever want to come back here.” 

cancer cake - coco cake land

My IV bag emptied into the hole in my chest, the nurse pulled the needle out and I got a band-aid to cover it up. We got out of the cancer agency and I came home to beautiful white hydrangeas from Rich and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, my request. When we pulled into the driveway, Teddy was waiting for us with his nanny Cor and his smile was huge – I scooped him up and told him mommy just had her last “special medication appointment!” and I tried to feel happy. We ordered dinner from our favourite pizza place and did a small toast between the three of us. My mom came by with pink peonies and my sister dropped off a bouquet and treat.

fuck cancer cake - Coco Cake Land

fuck cancer cake - Coco Cake Land

rainbow cake slice - Coco Cake Land

fuck cancer cake - Coco Cake Land

buttercream rainbow cake - Coco Cake Land

We put Teddy to bed at dusk. I laid in Rich’s arms while he allowed me to sob into his chest. I couldn’t stop crying. I think I had been keeping it together and feeling strong and good for a few months now. But now with the final treatment I could finally let go. I cried for those who weren’t finished treatment and might never be finished. I cried out of worry, fear. I felt so overwhelmed and inarticulate. I cried out of relief that I was finished but still uncertain of whether or not all of this treatment has worked. I cried thinking about how much I love my husband and son and how I never want to leave them. And then I just decided to let those feelings be. Sometimes I can’t wrap my feelings up into a succinct idea or thought or expression. I don’t know when I will feel whole again. So instead, for now, on a teensy minuscule piece of the internet… a Fuck Cancer cake. xo Lyndsay 

54 Responses to “Fuck Cancer Cake”

  1. Adrianna Adarme

    all the tears! like probably every single person on planet earth, i have lost a few people to cancer and it’s the scariest thing in the entire world to me. you are so brave. im rooting for you, praying for you. and now, i want to make a fuck cancer cake! xoxo

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      you are a sweet sweet lady, Adrianna. thank you so much. XO (PS i would LOVE to see your fuck cancer cake!!)

  2. Samantha

    Love you Lyndsay, so much! Thank you for sharing your experiences. The cake looks delicious! Fuck Cancer, indeed.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you sweet friend XOXO

  3. anne

    wow. such a moving post, and lovely cake. It made me think of my last treatment, and all the emotions. Congrats on finishing the treatments! Be gentle to yourself, you have climbed an amazingly high mountain. Keep being well, keep your mind on health and wellness! blessings to you and your family

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you Anne – continued well wishes for health and happiness to you, too! xo

  4. Edlyn

    You had me in tears, lady. Much love and hugs. One day you will find the words but right now, it’s totally okay to cry. You need it. I love your ability to see the brighter side with this cake. It’s beautiful. I’m so glad we still get to see your gifts through this space.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you for your support, and for your kind words, Edlyn! It means a lot. xo

  5. Sarah

    Fuck cancer! FUCK IT! I’m here sending all my positive energy to you. You made it through all the treatment! You’re my hero. Fuck cancer so hard. I wanna bake a fuck cancer cake too!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Sarah I would freak out with excitement to see your bad ass fuck cancer cake! You are such a sweetheart, thank you for your support! XO

  6. Billy

    obviously all of the sparkly heart emojis for this lyndsay, so so many for you for this cake for seeing you and blog back at it. Now hurry up and come back to california so we can hang and I can give you a hug.

    Reply
  7. michelle @ hummingbird high

    girrrrrl. congrats!

    Reply
  8. leanne

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Love you sis!!!

  9. Erin

    You’re so brave to share so much and maintain your sense of humor while you do.

    Reply
    1. Erin

      Best fuck cancer cake ever!

    2. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thanks so much my cake friend! XO

  10. Elizabeth

    You are amazing and strong. Thanks for gifting us with your thoughts and your beautiful creations as you f*&^ cancer. Hope your summer and summers to follow make up for all of these tough times. <3

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you Elizabeth! xo

  11. Melly

    Sending love & strength! You did it! Fuck Cancer! Eat cake!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      I’ve been emotional eating all week! Thanks Melly XO

  12. Jan

    Hurray! And thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I went through something similar when I went in for my last chemo treatment.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thank you Jan! Wishing you well! xo

  13. jeanie

    FUCK CANCER. you go grrl.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      XOXO

  14. jan

    Such a perfect explanation Lyndsay and totally understandable. You have been through so so much and I am sending you the biggest vibes possible that you will never ever ever have to go through this again. And also feeling bad for those that are still struggling just tells us how big your heart is. Warm warm fuzzy thoughts to you. And fuck cancer!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      You’re a sweet friend, Jan – lucky to know you. Hope you are feeling better, too! XO

  15. movita beaucoup

    I don’t seem to have adequate words to express what I’d like to here, so I will just say that I’m happy that you are finished treatment, and can only imagine the emotions you are coping with these days. You must be overwhelmed. You are not alone – that is clear from the love I’ve seen on these pages from your friends and family. I’m so glad you’ve got those people to hold you up, and so many of us rooting from the sidelines. xox

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thanks so much Rachael – I always look forward to reading your comments, and to know people such as you are rooting for me – it warms my heart. XO

  16. Elizabeth

    Oh Lyndsay, I totally get all the happiness and fear and uncertainty and joy here. Through all of this, you have been incredibly brave and cool and honest and badass. Truly, you’re my hero. I’m so glad this chapter in your life is finished and will keep you and yours in my thoughts as you head into whatever’s next. Fuck cancer!!!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you Elizabeth! XOXO

  17. chiara

    oh man. I cannot imagine. My heart goes out to you – stay strong. You got this. xo c

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you lovely Chiara XO

  18. cynthia

    Sending you all my thoughts, bear hugs, and neon cake vibes in the world. You are so strong, during the highs and even more so during the lows. Second everybody above me — so glad this chapter is over, CONGRATS, and so much love!!!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Aw thank you Cynthia…!!! You have been such a sweet support to me. I am a lucky lady. XO

  19. steph

    you are one brave lady lynds. sending you so much love.

    hangs and eats soon!!!
    xoxoxo

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you Steph!! I’ll never forget my Miffy spam musubi and how it lifted my spirits on a very dark day. You are a thoughtful and sweet friend and I’m grateful to have you in my life! XO

  20. Becca

    Seriously – fuck cancer. You are strong and brave for going through this and thank you for sharing your story. Love the cake and glad you got a good cry to release all of those emotions. ❤️

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thanks so much Becca!

  21. MDIVADOMESTICA

    Many thoughts are with you. So many loved ones are affected by the scars that cancer leaves. Sending positive thoughts your way.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you.

  22. Gabby

    Your words are beautiful, your cake is beautiful and I’m sitting here in my office trying not to cry. I’m sending all the positive vibes.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you Gabby … xo

  23. Sean

    I don’t know what to say – what a touching, honest, raw story. You’re amazing… for coping, for braving this all, for being so open and truthful about it… just amazing.

    Now as for that cake – I’m not normally big on pink and frosted and sprinkly looking cakes – but if there was ever a time to juxtapose that look with that message, it was now. I love it. I love everything about it. Fuck cancer. Go you.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Hey thanks so much Sean. ^__^

  24. Dylan Cutler

    What a beautiful cake and a more beautiful message. I just found your blog, and I don’t know you, but you sound like a very strong woman. Get it girl. Ps. I am a fellow Vancouverite :)

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thanks so much Dylan, fellow Vancouverite! ^__^ Thank you for stopping by my blog and for the kind comment.

  25. Sarah

    So much love to you and your little family. <3 This is officially my fav Coco Cake ever. xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Aw thanks Sarah!! your fave Coco Cake! You’re so sweet. Love it. xo

  26. leslie rossi

    yay! fuck cancer indeed!

    Reply
  27. Patty

    Your reaction makes perfect sense to me. I’m glad you had Rich to absorb your tears. Here’s to you and health and living fully with your family and friends!

    Reply
  28. Anne-Marie

    Love it! Thanks for gifting us with your experience. You are courageous on so many levels. xoxo

    Reply
  29. Justine @ JustineCelina.com

    Aww Lyndsay, I’m so sorry you’re been struggling, but happy to know you’ve found some peace. It’s good to let it all out! I’m so happy we were able to connect through FBC and I look forward to following along with your journey in this space. Also, this Fuck Cancer cake couldn’t be more perfect. I hope you and your family enjoyed every last bite! ;)

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Thank you so much – glad we’ve connected through FBC! :)

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