Balance. A tense, tip-toe walk on a tight rope pulled taut, between two buildings, holding onto a pole. Working through the changes in my body, the build up of white chalky pills disintegrating down my throat, tiny particles floating and clinging to invisible cells, maybe doing their job, maybe not. I feel like tamoxifen is drying me out like leathery old skin left to bake in the sun.
Balance – I had a spurt of creative energy last week. I baked macarons, this crazy rainbow cake, and stayed up late icing rainbow and ice cream cone sugar cookies til my eyes blurred. I have so many projects to work on, yet I just needed to make something purely for fun.
The balance between expending energy for work projects or purely creative pursuits or DRUMMING (I’ve become obsessed with drumming these days – just the urge to bang on things and play loud music too) and making meals, grocery shopping, keeping the house tidy-ish and giving all my love to my son and husband and trying to stay mentally well and physically moderately-fit, plus social friend times or family celebrations or dinners, and then that continual messy house thing… which always makes me want to Marie Kondo the crap out of our house and just purge, purge, purge, and give away 80% of my son’s toys… Wanting to do more in every aspect of my life. And then always, in the back of my mind, continually conscious of the fact that my cancer could recur. Every day I come to the acceptance that I can’t do enough or everything or do all the things I’d like to do for my home, family, work and self. It’s a daily reminder, a daily acceptance.
Balance. I’ve been continuing to lace up my pink runners to sweat it out at the gym. I’ve been kale-ing up my diet (along with handfuls of gummy candy, sheesh). I’ve been reading lots (Lucky Peach, Barbara Pym, I read the first Elena Ferrante Neopolitan novel…) and just trying to keep the laughs alive. Balance – how do you achieve it? How do you keep from going mental? xo Lyndsay
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