Here Comes The Sung

ranunculus ice cream cone

Give peace to my body. Give peace a chance – flower cone power. A peace offering.

totoro cookie liberty bakery

This is my face. Skeptical guy. Totoro cookie like a magic eightball.

chemo patient head scarf

This was me one week after my second round of chemo. The sun was out, Spring was calling outside. We decided to walk around the block, take it easy. Many friends had delivered to me some great scarves for some more soft and scarf-y ladylike cancer looks. I was feeling pretty ok, like I could tolerate some social activity and walk the neighborhood. So I tied up this lovely cotton scarf up into my best Amy Winehouse and smoothed on some lipstick. I looked in the mirror and thought, “well gee this hasn’t been so bad.” I asked Rich to take a photo of me in front of this urban looking wall in our neighborhood. I had an Amy Winehouse joke I wanted to make. I was feeling like I could eat something. I was holding Teddy’s hand. I had my arm around my husband while Teddy rode on top of his shoulders. We looked at the trees and flowers. We looked for neighborhood cats. I felt happy.

That’s when the chemo demons heard me. They said “Woh. This lady is getting off too easy this round. Let’s f*ck with her.”

ranunculus ice cream cone

So they took me down. The next day I broke out in hives all over my body. My head was covered in red itchy welts. My eyes swelled up. Then I started getting a fever and the chills, a dangerous sign of infection for a person who’s blood cells were annihilated. I ended up at the emergency room, weak as a slug, hives broken out all over my body – even my crotch – and my hands were ballooning up to cartoonish proportions, like someone had injected them with air. I was treated for a kidney infection, then sent home – only to come back the next morning because my ring finger, tightened to purple knuckles from my wedding band, was swelling like a jumbo sausage and I had to get my wedding ring sawed off. Nothing would work on the hives – dose after dose of Benadryl and I was still in agony. So my oncologist said I could try half a steroid, a powerful anti inflammatory, although it would also further weaken my immune system. I was desperate. Each night I prayed I would feel better tomorrow. I had to feel better tomorrow???

pretty donuts

The steroids worked – except they gave me burning pain in my stomach, chest and throat, and the most awful searing pain in my forearms, so much so that I could not move. As long as I stayed still they didn’t hurt. So on Sunday, I laid in bed on Mother’s Day, frozen in time, crying most of the day, tears trickling into my bald head and pooling on my pillow. I watched The Princess Bride. I watched The Mindy Project. I prayed for time to pass and for the pain to pass. By Monday when I woke up, the pain had mostly dissipated in my arms. I swallowed, and the burning had mostly gone away. I sat up in awe, in fear of what might be next. Each day I trepadatiously awoke, fearful of any itch, pain, weirdness. But now it’s Friday and while I am very tired, I think I made it through.

little boy in headscarf

Me and my boo. Dude looks like a lady and he’s perfectly happy to be “just like mom” – scarf guy! If my T wants to dress like a lady now or in the future that is fine by me. I will accept and love him no matter who he becomes.

kids superman costume

In his Superman costume from his Auntie Shelley – I don’t remember Superman having baggy-ass pants?? He was so excited to wear it. No morning is complete without a little stick bass jamming. All week Teddy was asking me if I was feeling better. He told me he missed me. My heart broke, as I laid in bed, missing out on his days. I want to savour each one of his little sweet and funny days. He’s growing so fast, talking so much, saying so much hilarious stuff that I want to record forever. I’m happy I’m finally feeling better and I can play with him once again. We mostly pretend we’re driving cars and motorbikes and stopping at various drive-thrus and restaurants for “hamgunbars and chocolate milk.” Hehe. PS this is nice – I was nominated as one of Vancouver’s top mom bloggers. Sending you all love and wishes for sunny happy days. xo Lyndsay

25 Responses to “Here Comes The Sung”

  1. Kristen

    I’ve been reading your blog for about a year and just had to comment. You are such a beautiful and strong woman. So often, when we read about people going through chemo or treatments for other diseases, it’s told from a more distant perspective–it’s something that the person suffered through months or years ago, and now they’ve conquered it. It’s like a winner’s story.
    But there’s something so raw about knowing that this is what you’re living through right now. To think about you sitting in bed in pain just a few days ago on Mother’s Day is heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
    You and I are close in age, and I have two little kids at home–it’s unimaginable to have to go through this as a young mom.
    I know you too will come out of it and have your own ‘winner’s story’ to tell, but in the meantime I wish you peace and good healing. You’ll be in my thoughts!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      hi kristen – thank you so much xoxo

  2. Nancy @ gottagetbaked

    Holy sh*t, Lynds. I was literally just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you’ve been, thus ending up here at your wonderful blog. I’m so sorry to hear about the ultra crappy week you had and the intensely horrific physical and mental agony cancer is inflicting on you. Fuck cancer. Thank you for sharing this raw, emotional, honest post. I’m glad you’re feeling better now and Teddy is such a riot. I’m sure he’s helping you keep your spirits up. I can’t wait until I’m off work and I can come visit you. I’ll bring you gallons of ice cream and whatever the heck else you want. Until then, I’ll be thinking of you and sending you lots of love xoxoxoxoxox

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      nancy i can’t wait for this “gallons of ice cream” business!!! so many good things to come after all this is done! ^__^

  3. K

    Prayers for you. Glad you are mucho better.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thanks K! xo

  4. steph

    i’m glad you’re starting to feel a little better lynds :)
    i just voted for you!!
    give teddy a squeeze for me.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      miss you!!

  5. mimi

    Thanks for writing such a candid post. You are so strong! Wishing you the best XOXO Mimi

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thanks mimi!

  6. Sarah

    Thank you for continuing to be so brave and write these updates. They move and inspire me so much, and I have the utmost admiration for you and your little family. Sending love and strength.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thank you dear sarah! xo

  7. Anne @ Sugar Baby Bakes

    You are one tough lady to endure all that…so glad that you’re feeling better. Sending you good thoughts!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thanks for thinking of me, anne! xo

  8. movita beaucoup

    I so admire you – your strength, your courage, the glimmers of optimism I find in your words. You’re basically Wonder Woman minus the invisible jet. (The headscarf more than makes up for it.) xox

    P.S. For a short time as a child, I thought I might actually be Wonder Woman.
    P.P.S. Until age 7, I was convinced that my mother was Snow White and my grandfather was Bing Crosby.
    P.P.P.S. It is possible that I wasn’t the brightest child…

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      haha … rachael you always make me smile … xo

  9. Efi

    Not much to say, but this: I hope you feel much better soon. Sending positive thoughts from Greece!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thanks efi!

  10. jeh buitters

    dang this mother’s day was pretty much a write-off eh? sooooo happy you’re feeling better and that you could come to tanny’s bday dinner! yay! love the pic of T in the scarf and yeah, baggy-pants superman? so cute. love ya sis. xoxoxoxox jb

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      next year will be better … ^__^ love you too sis!! (baggy pants superman is more tanny’s vibe??) hehe…

  11. jan

    That sounded like one scary experience! So glad you’re on the other side of it and praying that experience was the last of its’ kind! Geez! Take care – you! Big hugs!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thank you jan! xo

  12. chiara

    Glad you are recovering. That sounds awful, just awful. My dad finished his last round of chemo today so I am full-on feeling grateful for him, and grateful that you are recovering too. Big hugs, prayers and positive vibes. xo.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      oh chiara – so glad your dad is done. hopefully those drugs flow through him and out, and he’s feeling like himself really soon!! xo

  13. Laurel (@abubblylife)

    :( I dont have words, just really hope it gets better this week. and I am thinking of you. xx

    Reply

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