Donuts Macarons + Drugs

raspberry donut - coco cake land

Best post title EVER, amiright? Donuts macarons and drugs. (These pretty and perfect macarons are from Soirette.) No, I’m not much of a drug user of that kind – well unless you count the “medical marijuana hazelnut chocolate coin” I took a bite out of during a particularly awful and nauseous post-chemotheraphy day. To say that I was blazing through the milky way was an understatement, and it took the nausea away, too. I have a doctor friend who was also going through breast cancer treatment, a friend I made at the cancer agency, and even she gave me a set of sticky weed lollipops. We live in Vancouver, after all.

donuts + macarons party - coco cake land

Anyway, the drugs I am talking about at the moment are the new drugs I started taking about a week ago, Tamoxifen. The name itself evokes a Mongolian-mist style creepy vapour fog that seeps into your pores and surrounds you, engulfing you in its side effects. The first night I had to take it, I just stared at the chalky looking round white pill for a good few minutes, glass of water on hand. I finally just threw it back into my throat and swallowed it with a glug of water. “Here’s to hot flashes, dry vagina and mood swings from hell!” I thought to myself.

flower donut - coco cake land

That night I had a restless sleep fuelled by chills, sudden blasts of hot sweatiness and general discomfort – I woke up feeling like my whole body had been beaten with a pain stick, and I had an awful headache. I was feeling very depressed about this, worried about the amount of time my body might take to adjust to the medication. Or would this be my new normal?? Still, I forced myself to go to the gym, laced up my hot pink sneakers, pulled my hoodie up over my head, Chinese Rocky with cancer style, and trodded out in the rain to the gym. I cried a little at the gym, arms pumping the elliptical trainer to the beat of Chaka Khan and Jay-Z. And of course I laughed at myself, which I often do.

flower donut - coco cake land

Now, about a week later, I’m feeling more adjusted, although my mood and emotions are like a roller coaster from hell. I really hate that a drug can mess with a person like this but I read another cancer patient’s quote online today and it said “quality of life vs life.” I’ll do my best to power through all the weirdness as usual. Half of the time I’m feeling strong and like I’ve “beaten” this. The other half of the time I’m imagining the doctor’s appointment where I’m told the cancer has come back and spread throughout my body.

donuts macarons - coco cake land

pretty macarons - coco cake land

But, I will continue to focus on the good things, and all that I have in my life. Especially my son Teddy, who held up a french fry the other day and said “Mom, it looks like a penis!” We speak freely of genitals at our house, giving organs their proper names – although “penis” has now made its way into Teddy’s knock knock non-sensical joke repertoire, much to the dismay of my mother, and yes, I explain to Teddy that it’s not a nice-guy-thing to really talk about too much in public, nor is it very polite – all while smirking through his penile-focused jokes. Ah, the fine balance of parenthood. Life goes on. xo Lyndsay

23 Responses to “Donuts Macarons + Drugs”

  1. Cindy

    Best title ever.

    Aw, man. I am thinking of you!

    PS, I say (all too often) “Casper, don’t touch your penis when you have poop on your balls.” and then he squeals “PEEPEE!” and I laugh, because I can’t not.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW!!! hopefully one day Casper and Teddy can hang out! xo

  2. anne

    I am doing the tamoxifen thing, have for golly, 2 yrs? Keep up with the working out, I find that my “I never worried about my weight” time of life is over, tho I don’t actually “worry” about it now, I just note that it is higher, and requires exercise to keep at a reasonable place. I do have hot flashes, tho I have learned to actually do breathing and meditation to help control them (and they are fine in the winter, when it’s cold :) ) —
    you are strong, be well, be joyful, be!!!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      hi anne – 2 years already … wow. the 5-10 year recommendation seems like such a long haul. thanks for the tips and advice – all the best to you!!

  3. renee (will frolic for food)

    this: pretty. beautiful. terrifying. awful. brave. brilliant. you’re a freakin champ. i hope you know how incredibly special you are.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      XOXO

  4. jan

    oh man. drugs. scary stuff i’m sure. especially when you don’t have a choice. glad you’re feeling better and that teddy is keeping your spirits high with his funny jokes. he’s so adorable i can totally see his innocence in it all.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      aw thanks jan. i’m glad you got to meet him the other day in all his toddler glory… xo

  5. movita beaucoup

    I think your Teddy might enjoy 2.0′s game entitled: I Just Have to Reach Across You… Oops! Is That My Crotch on Your Face?

    It’s super fun.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      ha!

  6. Dan

    I agree, awesome title! I also think Macrons + donuts = my anti drug! I know what I’m picking up tomorrow morning before work! Stunning photos, truly beautiful. Thoughts and prayers for you. Keep posting the amazing and inspiring content!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thank you Dan!

  7. Tessa Huff // Style Sweet CA

    Ah man, none of that sounds like any fun. Hopefully Teddy’s one-liners keep you smiling. Plus there are always macarons. And donuts. XOXOXO Keep kicking ass, my friend!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thanks T! oh boy just wait till BBH is chatting away. So funny. I record it sometimes and at least write down what Teddy says … XO

  8. chiara

    Does not sound like fun indeed. Have to say I’m so impressed with your gym story – because, you see, that’s me and I’m not battling cancer….you inspire me! Hope the drugs even out soon! xoxo

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Aw. Chiara, you’re awesome. thank you! xo

  9. Linda

    You are amazing my friend! And also, Teddy <3 <3

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      thank you sweet Linda! XO

  10. cynthia

    Just now catching up on your posts (and writing a rambly email to you) but had to echo Linda — you’re amazing. Just such a blaze of sunshine. The fact that you are still at the gym (duuude), the fact that you can laugh, and the fact that you can crack penis jokes with Teddy (bwahah), it just goes to show that if anyone can do this, it’s you. Love you and sending you all my hugs!!!!

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      XOXO thanks so much Cynthia!!

  11. Hayden Estanislau

    Sift the almond flour and icing sugar over the meringue. Work the small lumps through the sieve with your fingers. Set aside the almonds that don’t pass through for another recipe.

    Reply
    1. Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land

      Awesome! Thanks Hayden. Good tip about the almond pieces.

  12. Patty Kenny

    It’s hard to be brave, isn’t it? You’re honest posts are inspiration.

    Reply

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