Meow mix! I made this buttercream cheetah cake for a sweet little girl named Shyloh, at her request of course. Man do I love kids. I’ve always thought they are hilarious. But maybe I actually love people at every age. The elderly fascinate me with their decades of stories, memory and history locked behind years of wrinkles and spotted hands. I envy innocent children and their outlook of the world, unbroken by shite or meanness or heartbreak, happy to run around and laugh or play with a rock or get dirty in a sandpit for hours. Teens with their awkwardness and gangly limbs and acne and can’t-keep-up acronym text-slang. Newborn babies even fascinate me with their ability to endlessly blast super gross poo into diapers and cry and NURSE from a mother’s breast.
Breastfeeding! It’s awesome. It’s free, it’s super nutritious, and those tender, going-mental 3 am feeds can be soothed by the gentle snuggle and quietude of a baby nursing, nourished by its own mother’s milk, gulping it down like a fat fish then conking out on top of you.
I could be mildly obsessed with breasts lately, forgive me – you think about what you might lose when you’re in the midst of breast cancer treatment.
We have one beautiful, hilarious child and we had hoped for more. In fact, we had been trying to have another one for almost a year – Teddy was conceived very quickly, and my sisters are like fertile rabbits with no trouble conceiving – and I so wished to have a sibling for Teddy, as I grew up with two sisters and love them dearly.
Cancer’s been effing with me.
Once I start chemo my fertility will basically be fried. For some reason I imagine a sizzling frying pan of sunny side up eggs. Chemo’s going to fry up my egg follicles and I’ll be dry as a bone in the ovary department. Extreme bummer.
When I first got my diagnosis back in January, I was also given the news that due to the treatments I’d be receiving, it would be highly unlikely that I could have a baby later. So we frantically did a round of in vitro fertilization – IVF, they call it – science’s little miracle, with the incredible ability to help people who are having difficulty conceiving naturally to bring the sources together – egg and sperm – grow them into an embryo, and implant it surgically back into a uterus. Bonkers, right? I wasn’t going to have the embryo implanted of course, but we wanted to freeze embryos for later usage, after my cancer treatments were over. I was so hopeful! I imagined tiny little Teddys being created, stored on ice for five years, where we could retrieve those tiny babies and grow them later. Two weeks of injecting medication via needle into my stomach fat, debilitating fatigue and prayers for eggs. Egg extraction day arrives – and yes, they extract the eggs out of your lady parts. Then they fertilize the eggs with sperm and wait for them to grow. Every day you’re waiting on a phone call to see if your miniscule microscopic babies are still growing. By day four, only one embryo remained – and by day five, they had all seized. It all came crashing down on me – no more children. No more Teddys. It was such an emotionally painful experience. Maybe I had been too optimistic, too hopeful.
In February I went through my surgery. Two weeks after my surgery, I met with my oncologist – and she felt that it would be ok to try IVF one more time – it would be the last attempt for me. So the results of this round will be very final. I may very well have no more biological children, which I admit is shattering. At the same time, having one little guy has been pretty great. Maybe we’ll get a dog in a few years and a couple of cats to fill out the house, or think about other options later. I’m crossing my fingers and knocking on wood for embryos to freeze – which is a very weird thought – I am living in an episode of Star Trek: Fertility Blaster right now. Infertility is pretty common – and a lot for women, their partners, and families, to deal with. It can feel shameful, or abnormal – but it needs to be met with openness, kindness, empathy and support.
This cute faced cheetah cake made me think of how hilarious kids are – an almost 5 year old kid being so specific and asking for a cheetah cake with a flower on its head? TOO CUTE.
Six months to Teddy’s third birthday and he’s already talking about his birthday cake. He said he wants a “brown bear cake” this year. His favourite colour is BROWN. His cousins sort of told him his favourite colour was brown a while back and he glomped on to it. He wants me to get a “brown motorbike and brown motorcycle helmet.” He asks everyone he meets – “do you like brown?” Also, he is obsessed with chocolate, and chocolate is brown … and he does love a good poo joke.
Yup. That’s my kid. Poo jokes and all… xo Lyndsay
molly yeh
oh lyndsay! my heart goes out to you and your family. i am thinking of you and hoping with all of my might that those little embryos will freeze. to think that there would be more teddies in this world makes me smile. he seems like the coolest little guy ever :) big hugs to you.
and of course, THIS CAKE. i love that little flower in her hair/fur!!!
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
molly!! XO thank you sweet pal.
Kate
Hi! I’ve been a follower in instagram because of your stunning cakes! I just want to thank you for sharing your story and your incredible positive attitude. I cannot imagine what you are going through, so I don’t have any sage advice but I wish you the best with all of these things you are going through right now. You are such a courageous mama! Xx
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
thanks so much kate, it is appreciated!
Michelle
Oh Lyndsay, what heartbreak. Thanks for sharing your story. And yes, kids are hilarious. My soon to be three year old is having his birthday tomorrow although all he requested was chocolate :)
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
aw happy birthday to your lil man! thanks michelle xo
cynthia
Oh Lyndsay. Thinking of you and your family so much right now and sending you the fiercest hugs I have. All my prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing this with us and letting us in — you are such a shining star. (And Teddy with his favorite color! “Do you like brown?” Just too precious.) All my love for you, dear friend!
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
aw man thank you sweet cynthia. i am certain teddy would fall in love with you if he met you!! ^__^
Cindy
This cake is too adorable, that flower makes it for me. I have been thinking of you a lot, Lyndsay. I know the story of trying to conceive, and while my path was no where near as difficult as many other people, it was a trying time for sure (we tried for 2 years naturally, then tried clomid and were successful after the third round). There was a lot of disappointment and sadness and questioning my womanhood. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I continue to admire your upbeat attitude and can tell that Teddy is one lucky boy to have you for a mother! I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best results!
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
oh cindy – i am so happy you have your sweet little man! trying to conceive is such a brutal emotional roller coaster. thank you for being so kind, and for the sweet words and well wishes. xo
jen
Hi Lyndsay – jen of jen and ben fame here. Even though your post is filled with ups and downs, it felt good to read it. We have had some trouble conceiving number 2 ourselves. Its such a private process, and not one people talk about much. Luckily I have a couple of friends who have been going through it as well because those few getting it off my chest chats really lifted my spirits. I tend to keep to myself around difficult stuff, but it isn’t necessarily good for me. Thanks for sharing your own story – I wish you success in this round, and for good health all around.
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
i feel like the challenges of motherhood are often buried underneath a sugar coated – “look at me and my beautiful children!! look at my glowing baby bump!!” vibe … when in reality, yes – there is a lot of sadness, emotions, struggles. sending you lots of good vibes to you and your little family! thanks for taking the time to comment and share. xo
Michelle @ Hummingbird High
Oh no. This is heartbreaking news, but I admire the way you handled it and relayed it to the world with such positivity and grace. Even though Teddy might not have the siblings you want for him, I’m sure you’ve given (and will continue to) give him a wonderful, fulfilling life. Filled with tons of pets, and beautiful animal cakes like this one, of course.
Sending you love and hugs over the interwebs!
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
thanks michelle… xo
steph
fingers crossed for you and the biggest hug i can give without damaging your insides too much ♡♡♡
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
ahhh bud. thanks steph… ! xoxo
Lydia
Hi Lyndsay,
I’m so sad to read about all that’s been going on with you. Infertility on top of cancer…it’s pretty heartbreaking. Thank you so much for sharing and being so open. Sending you much love. Lydia
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
hi lydia – it’s been kind of a bum deal, i gotta say!! however… keeping hopeful that things turn around … thank you for the kind words… xo
Robyn Petrik
Sending so many hugs your way Lyndsay! The level of positivity you’ve been able to show through all of this (and wow, is it ever ALL of this!) is absolutely stunning. Fingers are crossed for you!
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
thank you robyn! fingers and toes crossed over here too.
rebecca
I feel your pain with wanting more children. My husband and I have been doing fertility treatments for the last year. I’m so thankful to have my little man though
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
it’s enough to drive us women insane, isn’t it? i wish you tons of baby making luck, rebecca! hang in there. xo
Sara @ Cake Over Steak
Ah, Lyndsay! My heart goes out to you so much right now. You have been going through so much yet you seem to handle it all with so much grace and an open heart … enough so that you still make cheetah cakes for children and make poo jokes. I want to be you when I grow up. Thinking of you lots, lately, and hoping for a magical baby for you as well as a speedy recovery. xoxo
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
thank you sara… the cheetah cake is from a while back that i hadn’t posted yet … but i still am happy i am able to share it! feeling all the vibes and really appreciating how sweet my blogger pals are … xo
Laurel (@abubblylife)
Im sorry Lyndsay :( it must be so tough. Yet, you share all this with your usual grace, positivity and poo jokes. You are the best. Prayers and hugs xo
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
thank you my friend! xo
Nancy @ gottagetbaked
Just when it seems like you can endure no more, you share this incredibly painful situation and my heart breaks further. My dearest Lyndsay, your strength in dealing with all the sh*t being thrown at you by the universe is astounding. Stay strong, lady! And keep those poo jokes coming. Love and laughter will get you through this. xoxoxo
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
nancy, oh nancy! thanks my friend. weirdly doing pretty good despite the insanity! love and laughter for sure – so crucial! xoxo
chiara
Bless you and all you are going through! I just can’t imagine. You must be drawing strength from deep inside you! Sending more love and positive vibes from here…xo chiara
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
aw thanks chiara – xo
Michelle @ MakeMeCake.Me
Still reading all the way through the end of each article. You’re so brave and funny and fearless and incredible! Sending strong egg freezing vibes your way and healing vibes, too! xoxo
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
thanks michelle for reading!! and for the sweet kind words. xoxo
Youngmi
I am floored by your strength, bravery, and humor. I am cheering for you and your family. I hope you end up with boatloads of healthy embryos! And that cake is pretty darn cute too! ^_^
Emma
Hello!! I was wondering if you have anywhere in your blog the recipe for the buttercream you use on your cakes?! I really wanna make the owl cake for my niece and I tried today a recipe that I found on the Internet and it didn’t work out :( your cakes looks always so perfect!! Please help!!!
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
Emma! My old standby which has never failed me: 1 cup of unsalted room temp butter, 2 cups icing sugar, 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract, dash of milk – beat on high for A LONG TIME until light and fluffy. Good luck!!
Erin
Lyndsay, you are so truly amazing. I’ve been following your blog for years and must say you are such an inspiration as a cake artist and as a person. You are truly talented, and gifted. I wish you all the best and just want to say how much I enjoy your posts and pictures! I can’t wait to try your recipes too (especially the haupia pie, I’m from Hawaii)! Keep posting! I look forward to your lovely creations, and reading your meaningful stories! Aloha, erin
Lyndsay // Coco Cake Land
thank you so much erin for your kind words. XO
joan
For no apparent reason I didn’t know why I saved your website in my phone. But I remember I was looking for cute cake designs that I can make for my baby every month. Perhaps I unknowingly saved your blog. But serendipity brought me here. Thank you for showing what courage and positivity should be like. I truly adore not just your creativity but your happy disposition as well. I’m praying all the best to you and your family.
xoxo,
joan from Philippines
Pamela
I realize this is over a year since this article posted so I’m assuming all went well with treatment. While you were talking about your son it made me think of something. Your son should be hitting the right age soon for the “Captain Underpants” books. My nephew LOVED them when he was little. Don’t worry, they grow out of them and they don’t stay attached to that bathroom humor. Just this past Thursday that nephew graduated from college Magum Cum Laude so they didn’t hurt him. In fact, getting little boys hooked on reading is ALWAYS a good thing. Even when I was in college for a fair number of guys, doing the reading part of the work was the torturous bit. Many males HATE to read and it makes life a lot more difficult all around. It was surprising the number of guys in school who didn’t like to read and I know males who haven’t read a real book in 40 years or more. My nephew does like to read and I think this helped in his success in college. In fact both my niece and nephew are readers. Growing up their crazy aunt made sure they always had lots of books to read. Looks like it paid off.